Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just pee around me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize