he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
