What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
