life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
