I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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