I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
