Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize