I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
