dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
