walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
