Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
