if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize