So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
