You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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