I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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