i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
