Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
