Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
