how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
