She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
