I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
