If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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