I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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