where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
