I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
what day is it and did you see me today?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize