I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
