Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
