Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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