...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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