Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
