I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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