She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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