Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
