just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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