I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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