I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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