Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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