I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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