It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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