Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
