Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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