I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
