Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
