i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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