I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
