I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
