I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
