don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
