There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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