broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize