Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
