Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
