you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
