I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
