Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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