Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
