dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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