When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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