I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
